The Last Jedi non-review

Publication date Read time 6 min

This is supposed to be tech-oriented blog, but since I rarely write anything anyway, let’s talk about Star Wars instead. Spoilers ahead.

Do we really need to make Star Wars similar to every other Hollywood movie by pouring jokes every five minutes? Is American screening audience so depressed and despair that they need to be cheered up so often? And is it so stupid that they only find American Pie and The Hangover funny?

Why didn’t First Order shoot down Poe’s X-wing when it was still approaching? Why did they continue conversation when it was clear that he doesn’t want to discuss terms of surrender?

Luke was on exile and did go an extra mile to make sure that no-one will find him, but when some random girl with his father’s long-lost lightsaber shows up, he doesn’t ask a single important question? When that girl insists that he teaches her, he declines without giving a single reason?

Since when exactly does Force allow you to survive in vacuum of space without any equipment?

Do all ships in New Order fleet have exactly the same speed as Resistance freight? How can this freight comfortably sustain shooting from cannons at their top power for extended period of time? Can’t First Order spare one of smaller ships to do this cool hyperspace jump trick? Can’t they call another ship to jump out directly in front of this freight? Is bad space ship shooting at good space ship when they are moving at very slow speed the best suspense movie writers could think of?

Now there is technology to do hologram calls during fights? How did they know Maz number? Why did she pick up in the middle of the fight for her life? Does Lupita Nyong’o contract requires studio to put her in every movie of new trilogy?

Why did Finn et al. thought that they will manage to travel to another planet, fetch some hacker, go back and infiltrate the enemy ship in less than 16 hours?

You can do Skype calls through Force now? And you see the other person how they really look at this very moment, not how they want to appear or how you remember them? Why are clothes considered to be part of the person?

So Luke is detached from Force, except when he is fishing by jumping over ridiculously high cliffs? How did he got so long stick on forestless island? Didn’t other island habitants develop better way of fishing in last 10 000 years or so? Why do these habitants appear only when they actively hate Rey? Are they projections of her psyche?

Random dude in prison cell just so happens to be top-level hacker? Conveniently, he is ready to help Resistance infiltrate main First Order ship? Then why did he betray Finn et al. at the final moment? Was he always loyal to First Order? Did he see opportunity to survive by giving them crucial information? How did he learn about cloaked rebel shuttles?

When this kid was releasing horse-like creatures from stables, why didn’t he scream “now that’s pod racing!”? If you are making shitty movie, why don’t you embrace it and reference other shitty movies in franchise?

Why does every bit of conflicted view or shade of grey between black and white have to be explicitly shown? Do authors of this movie know that people are a bit more than giant pair of eyeballs?

Why spend time building up hype for new great villain if you are going to pull Darth Maul on him? Why did you kill Snoke with so many questions left unanswered? Where is he from? How did he learn ways of the force? How did he achieve highest rank in First Order? How did he create First Order? Why? Why does he want to destroy Resistance? Why does he fear Luke? Did they meet? When exactly did he place a seed of doubt into Ben Solo mind? How many books will we have to buy to find out? Will they be any better than Darth Plagueis?

Admiral Holdo never thought that explaining her plan to Poe might be a way to put him back in order and regain his loyalty? Even when he was committing treason and holding gun pointed directly at her?

Force ghosts can now use the Force to interact with real world?

Rey parents were scavengers and they sold her? How did they afford a spaceship - you know, one that we have seen in her memory in previous movie? Where did they fly? Who they sold her to? How did she end up in AT-AT wreckage without any recollection of ever being in slavery? Did her master bought a slave and just let her go?

How did admiral Holdo know that she can destroy ships by jumping into hyperspace when they are on your way? Why haven’t we ever seen that before? Why didn’t rebels use that to destroy Death Stars? Why didn’t First Order use that to destroy last Resistance freight? How far does this effect work? Will any object that happen to be on hyperspace route be destroyed by passing ships? Will the ship be destroyed, too? How does anyone ever survive hyperspace travel, then?

If Kylo Ren is so committed to leaving past behind and starting anew (by forgetting Sith, Jedi, First Order, Resistance, New Republic etc.), why can’t he let go of oldest and cheapest goals of them all - ruling the galaxy? If he wants Rey by his side so badly, why does he give one reason that is sure to not work on her?

Since Resistance only knew that there is a way out of cave because Luke somehow got in, and since Luke never actually left his island, were ice foxes an afterthought that screenwriters had to put in after they painted themselves in the corner?

When Finn is taking care of this new girl and Rey watch them with sadness and jealously before Poe stands on her line of sight to introduce himself, am I supposed to think that this is setup for final version of love story of new trilogy? Does the movie want to leave me with message that diversity is cool and stuff, but white blood must remain pure? Is American screening audience not only stupid, depressed and despair, but also racist?

Finally, some things that I liked:

  • Yoda’s lines and how they referred to his past interactions with Luke were proper way of doing fan service.
  • Luke’s cynical view of Jedi and their abilities to re-establish galactic peace (mocking Rey how he will jump out with laser sword and solve everything)
  • Luke’s detachment from Force. Knights of the Old Republic: Sith Lords is worse of two KotORs, but they both were among the best things that Legends universe gave us.
  • Luke’s death and the way it validated Jedi deaths in original trilogy (Obi-Wan’s in New Hope and Yoda’s in Return of the Jedi).
  • Good guys” have strong presence of female leaders.

Takeaway: as Yoda said at one point in movie “the greatest teacher, failure is”. So please, Disney executives, next time assign script writing to someone who knows what they are doing.